what if i told you that, for almost a year now i havent felt myself.
what if i told you that i have been to multiple doctors and they told me over and over again that they didnt know what is wrong. and then you tried to tell others what you are feeling and all they could say was that “youre fine” or “i hope you get answers soon”.
what if i told you that ive spent endless hours googling what i thought was wrong and then one day, well sitting in my car, i filled out a random survey off of a website that i googled and found the answer as to what was wrong.
do i sound crazy yet? are you confused? wait…something was going on with you? HUH!
i said i wouldnt call this “my story” or “my journey” but i think i have too? i think i want you to read this as a reminder to not give up on yourself, your health and your gut feeling. it was even told to my face that “youre going through all of if just so you can blog about it”. yeah, got me…i have spent the last year doing what i did just so you can be reading this right now and have something to do.
anyways – here we are and im going to tell you how the last tenish months of my life have been.
last may, i was at a barre class (yes…ive been scared to go back since) and we were towards the end of the class and all of sudden i started to feel dizzy and off, brain fog feeling. and i just thought “oh whatever, youre fine, youre working out, this happens all the time. itll go away”.
for nine months, i have felt dizzy. well, it started off has feeling dizzy, i would always tell people that i felt “buzzed” or that the world was moving and i wasnt. and the normal response to that was “that actually seems sort of fun, why wouldnt you want to be buzzed?”. i thought it was crazy for people to say that, why would i like feeling this buzzed feeling from the minute i woke up to the minute i went to bed. it just didnt make sense.
so i figured i would head to the doctor, even though i hated the doctor and explain to him what i was feeling. at this point i really didnt even feel THAT bad like i said, just the buzzed feeling.
i sat there in the doctors office and had him tell me that he had no idea what was going on. i was so upset. like youre a doctor…how do you not know what is going on???? at this point, i felt alone. and to be honest pretty fucking mad. the doctor told me that if it keeps going on within a couple of weeks to come back and see him. so i did just that and again, he told me that he had no idea what was wrong and suggested i see an ENT.
and i thought, wait…maybe its my ears. at this point though, i started to notice more symptoms than just this buzzed feeling. i started to actually feel dizzy, i felt like i was going to pass out because i would walk into a big, semi crowded area and start to panic. like wtf is going on? i never was like this before. i never got nervous going places and now im freaking out in big stores like target or costso?
as i was headed into the ENT doctor, thinking to myself “this is going to be it! this has to be my ears. finally ill get answers. and feel like myself again!”
every test they tried came back normal. my ears were working just fine, nothing was filled or out of place.it was finally time to see the ENT doctor and she literally told me that i have migraines. well yeah, thanks. i already knew that but thats NOT what is going on. i was told to change my diet and read some books about migraines and it should help. at this point, i felt even more alone. i felt like this was something that i would have to just feel, all the time. for the rest of my time. okay i know this sounds dramatic but its honestly how i was feeling because i was trying to get help and nothing was working.
at this point, i was willing to try anything. which means i turned to holistic medicine. now, i am not going to go 100% in this but this was something that i truly enjoyed. if you want to know more about this part, please let me know! although the holistic medicine didnt solve my dizziness, it did help in other aspects of my life such as heart and gut health.
in the mean time though, i did seek out help from another primary doctor who i explained my symptoms too and she said that she wasnt sure what it could be and ordered me to take a blood test. well, everything came back normal. i was was crushed but also not surprised. just like always “everything is fine and how about i send you to another doctor since i cant help you”. this doctor suggested i see a neurologist who i wouldnt be able to see until APRIL mind you, at this point in was late december. i again thought, how the hell can i wait that long for something that i should be getting checked out NOW!?? so there i sat, waiting for what i knew would be months until i would hopefully get the answers i was looking for.
i truly started to freak out. i was getting married in 6 months, i would be going on many trips this coming year…how was i suppose to have fun or even look forward to any of that when i felt like crap everyday.
now it was the new year and again, nothing really didnt change. i was always still feeling buzzed or even dizzy. the overwhelming feeling when walking into a big box store was still there. i still was seeing my holistic medicine practitioner because i thought something along the way would help because i was out of ideas. at one of my last sessions, she suggested i see a chiropractor. this was the first time in a long time that i was excited to see a a doctor.
so i headed to the chiropractor and explained everything to him. at this point, i didnt hold anything back, i was so wanting to get an answer. my first session was a little scary, all i could think was about how much i hate the noise of things cracking. something that stood out when i was there was, when he was doing a full exam of everything, he told me that my shoulders and neck were VERY tight for someone my age. i just thought it was because i was stressed with everything that has been going on so i just brushed it off. i went for a total of six visits and at the end, the doctor felt sorry we wasnt able to help. but im not going to complain…my back felt amazing! but still felt everything i had been feeling.
now, i wear glasses buttttt only at night to drive and to see far away and even then i never really wore them because i didnt like them. i thought that wearing my glasses would help, i mean it was worth a shot. at this point, i was also up to see my eye doctor so i made an appointment. i started wearing my glasses and i didnt really feel a difference but i did seem a LITTLE less dizzy so i kept wearing them. i kept googling my symptoms and i read that i had everything under the sun, i mean duh! google tells you that youre dying every time you look something up! then randomly, i started to google: “can not wearing your glasses make you dizzy?”. and some how i found myself filling out this survey from some eye clinic in illinois. almost every single question they asked was something i had been feeling or something i have experienced. i was freaking out, like this is me! what if i have binocular vision dysfunction aka bvd? what if this is whats wrong with me! so i filled out the survey and it said that someone would call me and i just though that it was fake and this was too good to be true. so i started to really looking into bvd.
here is the survey that i took, i scored extremely higher than i should have.
but i still had an appointment with my normal eye doctor, i explained some of what i was feeling, pretty much the dizziness, the buzzed feeling and the feeling of being overwhelmed in a big box store. the doctor pretty much laughed at me and said that my eyes are stained that i should wear my glasses all the time now and therefore i should wear contacts. OMG I HATED CONTACTS! it was horrible.
at this point, after a lot of personal research, convincing to nick that i wasnt crazy and talking with the clinic in illinois, meaning i talked over the phone with the eye specialist that i was going to see. i was convinced this was it, that i needed to go.
in mid february, i drove to clarendon vision development center in westmont, il. now this is only like a hour away from mke so the drive was easy. this is the only eye specialist that is near mke so that is why we made the drive down there. i was nervous, i was worried this wasnt going to work, again. i was worried that something REALLY bad was wrong with me and that this was another shot in the dark.
i met with dr. cumings and omg. what a great doctor! i felt like she was my friend and she was VERY understanding of what i was feeling and was ensuring me that we would be able to fix, yes fix this. the overall assessment took over an hour. and the assessment is nuts! its not just an eye exam, its a neurovisual evaluation – “which is is detailed and thorough examination of vision, including assessment for small amounts of vision misalignment that are causing the symptoms of bvd”. meaning, its a fulllllll on exam of your eyes, of how your eyes are able to “handle” different movements and what not. i wont explain it all but i never knew this much went into finding out that i have.
i was told i have… binocular vision dysfunction. I HAD AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!
this meant that i was almost fixed.
here are a list of a lot of what i was feeling…yes, its a lot.
in short, what this means is, when i got my concussion in june 2018, the fall created my eyes to work at different rates. if you will, they became misaligned. so my eyes were doing two different things at two different times therefore confusing my brain and creating all my dizziness and all the other things i had going on. remember the stiff neck and shoulders that the chiropractor said i had?? well thats all to do with my eyes. its one of the symptoms, i thought that was interesting! ANYWAYS so now what?
i then got new glasses made that have prism in them. pretty much they help make my eyes work together again, they fool your eyes into thinking that they are working together without straining them. meaning, my symptoms would be lessened or even gone.
now fast forward to today, april 1st.
the first two to three weeks with my glasses on, i felt amazing. i felt like a new person! but then, i started to feel my symptoms coming back and i started to freak out because things were going so well! i was feeling so much better and now, i wasnt. so i reached out to dr. cumings and she said i might be wearing my new glasses TOO much. meaning my eyes have “fixed” themselves and wearing the glasses is bothering them now. she gave me a couple of exercises to do to straighten my eyes and told me to just feel out when i need my glasses and when i dont. this weekend was suppose to be my follow up with her but ya know! we are stuck at home. another reason why things have been off again for my eyes is because i may need new lenses. bvd is weird and different for everyone. so there isnt a cut and dry answer as to how its going to work for each person since each case is so different and people are different. meaning its alot of trial and error before you find something that works for you.
and with everything going on, i am still going to the neurologist tomorrow just to make sure everything is really okay. my mom has MS so think its important now to talk to a doctor about it and just to get reinsurance that everything is okay and that its just trail and error with my eyes at this point.
thats all i got! i wrote this because i hope that someone who needs to find this will and know they arent alone. know that they arent crazy for feeling what they do and they shouldnt stop until they find the answer or until they feel like themselves again.
i will tell you that this hasnt been fun, its been very sad and hard for me. im a postive person, a happy person and the way i felt took that away. i am slowly regaining “the old me” but in turn, growing from this & trying to be better than what i was before.
please dont hesitate to reach out to me with any questions you may have or if youre wanting to talk about something that youre feeling due to feeling the same way i did.
firstname.lastname@example.org – im here for ya!
ps: wash your hands, wash your butt.